Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Horror Film Review

Retardead (2008): You know, when I see those “Official Selection” seals on the front of DVD jackets, I say to myself, “Self, this film was in some film festival somewhere, probably not Cannes but perhaps (dare I dream) Texas, so let’s take a chance because if it was officially selected, then it must at least be a halfway decent movie; it must have some redeeming value.” Turns out, it must not.

I love zombie movies, even low-budget ones of the B variety. But I do have rules. Number one, the actors have to be able to act, for the love of God. Other fans can forgive this trespass. I can’t, simply because it’s so damned distracting. Movies shot on video also distract me, and that’s rule number two. It makes them look like TV episodes, cheap TV episodes. Rule number three decrees that if you’re making a horror flick for next to nothing, then you had better make sure it zips right along so as to distract the viewer from the previous two distractions. Needless to say, Retardead breaks all of these rules. I’d love to comment on the gore, but after nearly an hour with no zombie action (and the breaking of the aforementioned rules) I gave up and watched an old Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode instead.

Let’s just cut to the chase.

Verdict:  Should you watch it? Oh my goodness, no.

My Rating:  0 out of 5

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