Saturday, September 7, 2013

Horror Film Review

Zombie Apocalypse (2010):  I've put off writing this review for nearly a week.  Surprisingly, it's not because I was struck dumb by the film's unparalleled magnificence.  Speaking of dumb...

Starts with Agent Net (David Calkins) fixing to kill some tough guy named Miller (Kenny James).  It seems that Miller's trying to find his missing wife who was involved in an outbreak at the company she works for.  Net, at the behest of the company bigwigs, is trying to tie up loose ends.  Miller escapes, and then we follow two buddies Mark and Tom (Michael Empson and Michael Harthen) on their way for a night out.  Zombies attack the bar they're in and then it's nothing but running and dying for them.  Yawning and groaning for us.

The final confrontation between Net and Miller is asinine.  Like this...Net runs a machete through him, yet Miller keeps going and doesn't die.  No, Miller's not a zombie. The other asinine aspects of this film are legion.  It would be cruel of me to waste minutes of your life explaining them.  No reason for both of us to suffer. 

Breakdown

Acting:  Rough.  Although there is one guy who plays the bouncer at the bar who is quite possibly the worst actor who ever lived.  Thankfully he gets eaten almost immediately.  The two Michaels do the best.  James as Miller must spend his summer months at Camp Ham.
Story:  It's not interesting enough to be called bland. 
Direction:  Sort of shuffles along from scene to scene.  Inspired it is not.
Production Values:  To be fair, one cannot expect much when the budget's only $5000.  Yes, five grand.  For that, we get film instead of video and sets that aren't laughable.  From a technical standpoint, the movie is watchable.
Gore/FX:  It's not gross at all. The zombie make-up simply doesn't exist.  Only way to tell them apart is the way they walk and the blood smeared on their faces from snacking.  The headshots are CGI and, if I'm honest, I've seen worse.
Scares:  I've seen episodes of The Golden Girls that are more frightening. 
Ending:  Vague, lame, goes nowhere.  You won't care, though.
Verdict:  Should you see Zombie Apocalypse?  Unless it's on your bucket list to see every zombie flick ever made, then no. 

Rating:  1 out of 5

3 comments:

  1. Oh come on, tell us how you REALLY feel!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh come on, tell us how you REALLY feel!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I thought I was quite restrained, considering.

    ReplyDelete