Saturday, October 27, 2012

Horror Film Review

Feeding the Masses (2004):  Zombie flick!  Let me qualify that...zombie flick that sucks the ass of a dead goat.  I'm talking a level of suck on par with that of a Dyson.  Gads...just remembering it induces uncontrollable cringing and seriously tests my formidable gag reflex (and not a good way).  That I managed to watch it all the way through is a testament to my commitment and fortitude.  Or it's a testament that I should be committed.

Some advice...if you want to make a satirical film that comments on the role of media in today's culture then, for Christ's sake, don't use the zombie medium.  First of all, you'll piss off horror fans because the last thing they want in a zombie flick is deep societal analysis.  Second of all, those who wouldn't mind some deep societal analysis sure and hell won't be renting a zombie flick.  You'd think they'd teach that kind of thing in movie school.

Plot-wise, Feeding the Masses isn't exactly a font of innovation.  A plague has run riot through the city, turning the afflicted into undead brain munchers.  The government is using the media, especially local TV stations, to play down the calamity, going so far as to disseminate misleading information regarding the severity of the situation.  This is enforced by the military who are locked in a do-or-die struggle with the zombie hordes.  I know what you're thinking.  How the hell could the city's population not know the severity of the situation when all they have to do is look out their windows?  Dunno.  Anyway, from one of the local TV stations, the cameraman Torch (Billy Garberina), a reporter, a production assistant, and their military escort decide the people have a right to know the truth and so venture out into the jaws of danger to broadcast a live report (everything shown on TV stations thus far has been white-washed by the government to prevent panic).  Do they succeed?  Dunno.  Last shot is of main character Torch going down under a gaggle of zombies.

So what's wrong with this film?  Billy Gerberina as Torch is what's wrong with this film.  Well, him and every other imaginable thing.  Bad acting is the bane of my cinematic existence, and this flick is nothing but bane.  Every performance is embarrassingly horrid, but Gerberina raises the bar to new levels of crap.  The worst is when he shoots for humor...and falls flatter than the South Dakota prairie.  OK, to be fair, the manager of the TV station (don't remember his name) is a moderately decent actor, but he's on screen for only a few minutes.  A fleeting oasis in a desert of suck.


Acting:  See above.
Story:  A fatal miscalculation. 
Direction:  Seen better in 80s music videos. 
Production Values:  Not much of value to be found here.  It looks cheap because it is. 
Gore/FX:  Some blood.  There is a CGI explosion that I'll reluctantly admit could have been worse.
Scares:  Are you familiar with the word "dearth?"
Ending:  The DVD jacket says this film is two and half hours long.  Thank the gods it's actually just 85 minutes, which is still about an hour too long.  The ending itself?  Torch sacrifices himself so others can escape.  Torch dies.  Yay!
Verdict:  Should you see Feeding the Masses?  Only if you have such a low opinion of yourself that you don't think you deserve better.  And honestly, nobody deserves this. 

Rating:  0 out of 5

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