Sunday, April 12, 2015

Horror Film Review

Zombie Dawn (2011):  It's rare for a movie to be so irredeemably awful that I can't see it through to the end.  On those rare occasions I don't even bother with a review (this helps explain long gaps between entries in this blog).  So why now?  Simple:  I feel it's my duty as a critic and American to warn the general public.  Die hard fans of zombie flicks may think I'm exaggerating.  They may think they want to check it out for themselves.  That's like saying you want jam an ice pick in your knee to see for yourself if it will hurt.

From what I could gather, a mining company in a South American country through means that are not entirely clear caused a zombie outbreak that decimates a majority of the nation.  The area is cordoned off and guarded by what's left of the military.  In an effort to wipe out the remaining zombies and to cover up their involvement, the company hires mercenaries.  These hired guns are not nice people, by the way.  Once in the zone, instead of encountering hordes of the undead, they engage in a fire fight with folks who ignored the evacuation order.  So at this point, the movie's half over and I bailed.

The Skinny

Acting:  I've always said I can't gauge a performance when the actor speaks a foreign language.  This is the exception to that rule.  Everyone is uniformly stinky.
Story:  Convoluted, chock full of holes, and worst of all, boring.
Direction:  Every scene lasts at least a minute too long.  Maddening.
Production Values:  The film stock is so grainy it's reminiscent of 70s porn.  For lighting they relied on the sun and maybe a flashlight; that is to say it's murky at best.  None of this is surprising given that the budget was all of 22 grand.
Gore/FX:  All the blood is CGI.  It's not great but it's the only remotely positive aspect of this mess.
Scares:  Oh, come on.
Ending:  No idea.
Verdict:  Should you...  No, you should not.  If you're given the choice between watching Zombie Dawn and reenacting the Bataan death march, then book that flight to the Philippines.

Rating:  0 out of 5

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