Thursday, April 7, 2016

Horror Film Review

Grave Mistake (2008):  Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain, but  never in my entire movie-going years have I witnessed such an irredeemable dumpster fire of a film.  Sadly, it's not one of those it's so bad it's good endeavors.  This hot mess isn't even in the same solar system as good.  It makes Plan 9 from Outer Space seem Oscar worthy.  Yet I found myself watching until the final credits rolled.  Why?  Morbid curiosity (or temporary insanity) is the only possible explanation.  OK...let's make this quick.

A drunken moron named Karl (Stephen W. Eckles) dumps a cocktail of noxious chemicals on a grave.  Why?  Who the hell knows.  Said Karl is a fat, racist fuckwit who enjoys beating on his teenage step-son Alex (Seth Darling).  Alex is friends with Phil (David Lionbarger), an assistant mechanic of questionable mental capacity.  Phil's boss Mike (James Blackburn) is an ex-SEAL who's sweet on Monica (Wendy Andrews) whose teenage son Woody (Keola Melhorn) is a moody asshole.  They're all gathered in Mike's shop when the town is suddenly (the suddenness is inexplicable, by the way) filled to the rafters with zombies.  The overly excited Phil, expert on all things undead, is killed immediately, of course.  The rest decide to try for the national guard armory.  And that's about it, really.  Naturally, most of them die in the attempt.  None of them makes it to the armory, in fact.  Lone survivor Alex instead rushes to find his mom.  Unfortunately, he finds her.  And then blows her head off.  Right...and there's a zombie dog, too.  And a knight with a sword who saves Alex from the zombie dog.  It's all really quite ludicrous...not to mention dumb as a barrel of bean bags.

If I chose to air every grievance I had with Grave Mistake, this blog entry would eclipse Tolstoy's entire body of work.  Perhaps you think I'm exaggerating.  Doubt me at your own risk, folks.

The Skinny

Acting:  I checked.  There wasn't any.  The "performance" that came the closest to real acting was Darling's.  Everyone's first time in my life where I both cringed and winced whenever someone spoke their lines, Eckles being the worst offender.
Story:  I checked.  There wasn't one.
Direction:  Confused and always a step behind.  The "action" sequences couldn't possibly have been blocked prior to filming.  Besides disorganized, it's like they're in slow motion.  Doesn't help that zombies fall down from the lightest tap.  And whoever edited this thing shouldn't be allowed within ten miles of an editing room.
Production Values:  I checked.  There is no value.  Seriously.  Out of focus on bad film stock with poor lighting and muffled sound.  Not to mention the cheap sets (except for the hardware which I'm pretty sure was a real hardware store).
Gore/FX:  The usual...too-fake blood and stretchy latex skin.  The serious gore was CGI and bad CGI at that.
Scares:  ???
Ending:  Well, now, if I'm honest, it could've been worse.  Alex and the knight doing a Butch and Sundance routine.  I'm fairly certain the outcome was roughly the same.
Verdict:  Should you ignore my dire warnings and your own common sense and watch Grave Mistake?  Might as well ask if you should shove your arm in a wood chipper to see if it will hurt.  In both cases, I guarantee it will hurt.  A lot.

Rating:  0 out of 5

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