Monday, December 20, 2010

My Annual Christmas Letter

I debated whether or not to publish my annual Christmas letter here.  I usually just send it to a handful of friends and family.  It started a few years ago as an answer to the trend of sending a generic letter instead of an actual Christmas card.  You know the letter I mean.  The one where we're graced with a detailed list of their childrens' exploits during the past year.  Seriously, they're about as personal as a Facebook status.  What's worse, though, is when they just send a family picture.  This from friends you've known for 30 years.  I mean, really.  So I finally got fed up and started my anti-Christmas letter letter.  The following is this year's incarnation.  If nothing else, it fits with the theme of my blog.  Hope you enjoy it. 

Christmas Letter 2010

The other day a friend of mine asked, “Have you finished your annual Christmas letter yet?” I hadn’t even thought about it. My intelligent reply was, “Ah, crap.” That English degree is really paying off.

So much has happened this year I don’t know where to begin (some of it’s even worth mentioning). I think everyone except for a couple of Eskimos up in the Yukon Territory knows about our haunted house and the publicity it received from the Argus Leader and KELOLand. Most also know I published my novel, A Fairy Tale, as an e-Book and that it’s now being sold on the Barnes & Noble website. My partner has been pursuing a discrimination lawsuit on his own and recently wrote a brief to the U.S Court of Appeals. By himself with no legal assistance. I know, right? Impressive.

Anyway, it is the holidays. It’s a time for food and merriment, time for the gathering of friends and family to celebrate this most joyous season. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don’t you think it’s all getting kind of boring? Same old traditions, same old…everything. Blah. Wouldn’t it be fun to inject some variety, maybe spice things up a bit? How, you ask? Well, sit back, relax, and let me tell you about it.

Ready? We swap Halloween and Christmas. Just once to see how it flies. Why not? We all know Jesus wasn’t born on December 25th, so he’s not going to care. Besides, there is precedent: Jesus rose from the dead and is therefore technically a zombie. Now when I say “swap,” here’s what I’m thinking…

First order of business - new movies need to be made. Here are a few ideas:

· Ralphie will battle brain-munching zombies (not Jesus) with his Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle (BB gun). Title? A Christmas Story and Zombies. In this case, let’s hope he can shoot someone’s eye out.

· Clarence will be a demon instead of an angel and George Bailey the exorcist. Title? It’s A Wonderful Death. Every time a bell rings, a demon is forced back to hell.

· Rudolph will be a vampire (the red nose should have been a clue). Title? Rudolph the Blood-Sucking Reindeer. No one, and I mean no one, laughed and called him names.

· Other movie titles could include: A Nightmare on 34th Street, Frosty the Wolfman, and How the Grim Reaper Stole Christmas. Oddly enough, A Christmas Carol could stay the same since it’s already chock-full of ghosts.

That reminds me, the traditional way of singing carols would change a bit. You’ll dress up in your costume (a pirate, Batman, a pregnant nun, whatever), grab a sack for the goodies, and then go house to house belting out “Monster Mash” until the homeowners start lobbing cookies and fudge at you to make you shut up. You’ll need to collect your booty and bolt for the next house before they start launching fruitcakes.

Instead of an evergreen tree in your living room, you’ll of course have a creepy scarecrow (careful where you hang the shiny balls). Nooses, not stockings on the mantel; nightshade, not mistletoe above the door. You can bob for apples in a tub of eggnog, roast fun-sized Snickers on an open fire, and play with a Ouija board while waiting for Santa. Ah, yes...Santa.

Santa will remain an elf but is emaciated, not tubby, and sports a ratty black and orange outfit. He’s grouchy rather than jolly (you’d be, too if your lead reindeer was a vampire), and instead of cookies and milk, he’d prefer a blood sacrifice. Better hide Fluffy and Rover.

All kids are on the naughty list and therefore shall receive itchy socks and turtleneck sweaters. This is convenient because there are no more elves at the North Pole to make toys…melting ice caps, you see. But don’t worry, the Keebler folks were hiring. So presents deposited and sacrifice consumed, and then...

Up on the rooftop, above all the clatter, his voice may be raised, like a shrill mad-hatter, “Now Raimi! Now Romero! Now, Carpenter and Craven! On Norman! On Pinhead! On Freddy and Jason!” Then you might hear, as he drives out of sight, “Merry Halloween to all, and to all a good fright!”

Well, probably not. But you gotta admit, it wouldn’t be boring.

1 comment:

  1. Now that is a refreshing take. I was glad for the chance to reset on all the old thinking around this holiday.
    I think I smell a movie deal. Watch out Tim Burton.