Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Horror Film Review

Necropolis Awakened (2002):  Worse than Containment.  There...a three-word movie review.  Good night. 

(sigh)  Oh, all right.  One wouldn't image in one's worst nightmares that lightning would strike twice in as many days.  One would be wrong.  Terribly, horribly, horrendously wrong.  My son lasted 10 minutes before fleeing to his room to watch anime on his computer.  I, of course, felt duty-bound to tough it out in order to provide the public with a thoughtful, intelligent critique:  This movie blows.  (There's only one possible explanation for the quote on the movie poster...the dude was high on crack and Billy beer.)

If nothing else, I may have discovered the worst actor on planet Earth.  Remember that video of your boy's second-grade play, the one where he gets lines fed to him from offstage by his teacher, pulls on his crotch because he has to pee, and goes booger-mining at every opportunity?  Oscar-worthy when compared to the guy in Necropolis Awakened.  I  kid you not. 

I'm tempted to not bother with a synopsis because, well...it's dumb.  I'll make it quick.  First, don't be fooled.  This is not a real zombie movie no matter what anyone says.  Okay.  Small town.  A psycho called Nefarious Thorne is experimenting on residents.  One guy, Bob (Duke White), is a thorn in his side but has gone into hiding.  Thorne (whose bizarre costume and overwrought evil-speak pegs him more of a Doctor Who villain than zombie master) hires three hit men to kill Bob.  Bob and his nephew take on the bad guys and the town's mutated residents.  That's it.  The head assassin is Judas (also played by Duke White).  Duke, as you may have guessed, is said worst actor.  How bad?  Let's just say he would have been right at home in any of Ed Wood's films.  Beyond groan-inducing, I actually felt embarrassed for him.  The one actor who seems to have half a clue what he's doing is Brandon White, who plays both Thorne and the assassin called Johnny Gog.  Don't get me started on the characters' names...

One of the most annoying aspects of the movie is that everyone screams their lines to the point of distortion.  I thought there was something wrong with my sound system at first.  Annoying as well are the endless and painfully dull car chases they tried to make exciting by speeding up the tape.  It was like watching old Benny Hill reruns.  And yes, I did say "tape."  This movie was shot on video tape instead of film.  (Grrr.)  The zombies, or rather mutants, wear silly rubber masks that effectively render them laughable instead of scary.  And then there's the music.  Can't forget the music.  Why?  Because for reasons passing understanding, director Garrett White felt that the music of Tchaikovsky, Brahms, Verdi, and Pachelbel would be right at home in his movie.  Really.  Ever watched a car case set to "Canon in D?"  Or a gun battle to "Swan Lake?"  No?  Gosh, I can't image why...

You may ask, "Isn't there anything about Necropolis Awakened that didn't completely suck?"  Um...well, there was the...no.  But they did that thing with the, er...nuh-uh.  Hmm.  Nope.  Utter suck-o-rama. 


Acting:  None that I could see.
Story:  None that made sense.
Direction:  A train wreck.
Production Values:  I just watched a commercial for hemorrhoid cream with higher production values.  (Insert your own "pain in the ass" joke here.)
Gore/FX:  Paltry, puerile, pedestrian.
Ending:  Just be glad it ends.
Verdict:  Should you watch Necropolis Awakened?  Well, let me ask you this...Should you fry bacon naked?  Should you treat a paper cut with salt and lemon juice?  Should you carpool with someone who's on a diet of refried beans and beer?  So, that would be a "no."  It may not be the "worst movie ever," it's definitely in the same zip code.

My Rating:  0 out of 5

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