Sunday, January 29, 2012

Horror Film Review

Wrong Turn 4 (2011):  As I write this, I'm 34 minutes into the film.  So why am I typing on a laptop instead of raptly focused on a horror movie that's playing on a screen eight feet away?  Here's a hint:  it's the third sequel in a hillbilly/slasher/cannibal franchise that wasn't very original or scary in the first place.  Dear me, but it's awful.

In 1974 in the hills of West Virginia, a sanatorium housing three psychotic, inbred, deformed hill-folk has a problem.  The hill-folk escaped and took over the joint, doing all manner of awful things to everyone else.  The butchering and eating being the worst, I suppose.  Fast forward to 2003 and a group of friends snowmobiling to a cabin for vacation.  They get lost, a blizzard hits, and the only shelter is an old abandoned hospital (sanatorium). 

Before I explain the stupidity of these friends, I'd first like to ask a question.  How, after rioting and mass murder, do these three freaks manage to call the place home 30 years later?  You'd think the police would have, I don't know, investigated or something.  Anyway, the friends decide it's time to party; smoke some dope, drink some booze...the usual.  Then the hillbillies decide it's suppertime and one by one, pick them off.  It's not enough that this in itself is dull as hell.  Oh, no.  The filmmakers also feel the need to insult our intelligence by creating what may very well be the most insipid and assinine dialogue recorded by man.  "I'm freezing!"  "We're lost!"  I'm freezing!"  "I think we took a wrong turn."  It goes downhill from there.

Now I'd like to randomly bitch.  In one scene, one of the psychos uses a gasoline-powered ice auger (used by ice fishermen to make the fishing hole in frozen lake) to drill a foot-wide hole in a very large and very strong door.  How do I put this delicately...that's not freaking possible!  Ok, breathe.  Another utterly moronic part is the snowmobiles.  The kids flip out because the spark plug wires are gone and so they are, of course, trapped.  Good Lord, people.  Strip a lamp cord and hook them up.  It doesn't take MacGyver.  Even more absurd is that there are like eight friends and three killers in a huge hospital that's full of potential weapons and places to set up an ambush.  I therefore have no sympathy when bodies start piling up.  And finally, I want you to picture this:  two people on a snowmobile, traveling maybe 15 mph, run into one strand of barbed wire that's at neck height.  What would happen?  Well if you live in a world that has laws of physics, the riders would get knocked off and the one in front may, at worst, suffer a crushed windpipe.  What would not happen?  The heads of the riders would not fly ten feet into the air after getting neatly severed from their bodies.  You don't even need the Mythbusters to tell you that.  I really could go on and on.  And on.

I can count on one hand the number of flims I've seen where I've struggled to contain the urge to throw heavy objects at my television in outraged frustration.  This is one such film.  Ultimately, I did not hurl my glass ashtray at the screen.  I did, however, roll my eyes so much that I now have a raging headache.  A famous man named Gump said stupid is as stupid does.  That should be the movie's tagline instead of "Bloody Beginnings."  Or even better...Wrong Turn 4: Stupid People Dying In Stupid Ways That Aren't Possible.  Got a nice ring to it, don't you think?


Acting:  The three psycho, inbred, hillbilly cannibals don't speak.  The just grunt and giggle.  Even so, they're better than any of the friends.  The film's been over for a while now and I have the TV on the Travel Channel.  Ghost Adventures is on.  Anyway, the point is, every actor in every commercial I've seen is better than anyone in this movie. 
Story:  Rehash of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre plot.  It was an intriguing idea almost 40 years ago.  Wrung-out and tired now.
Direction:  Hollywood needs to come up their own version of excommunication so, like the Catholic church, it can kick out those who cause the greatest offenses.  If they did, writer/director Declan O'Brien would on the first train out of town.
Production Values:  It doesn't look that bad.  I mean, it's low-budget but still has that Hollywood slickness to it.  Lipstick on a pig...
Gore/FX:  Yes, well, there is a great deal of blood and some other assorted cannibalistic ickiness.  As odd as this may sound from me, it's gratuitious and mostly silly.
Scares:  Yeah, right.
The Ending:  I'm just glad it ended. 
The Verdict:  Should you see Wrong Turn 4?  Sweet Jesus, no.  If the topic of this movie interests you, go watch The Hills Have Eyes or TTCSM again. 

My Rating:  No stars.  Nope.  Not one. 

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