Horror Film Review

Suspiria (2018):  Some of the most disturbing and iconic horror films were released in the 1970s. We were treated to The Exorcist, Halloween, The Omen, Jaws, Alien, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Dawn of the Dead, and of course Dario Argento's 1977 masterpiece Suspiria. A hallmark of Italian horror is gratuitous and graphic gore and while Argento did not disappoint in that regard, what made his Suspiria so unforgettable was his use of eye-popping colors and music that gave you a serious case of the creeps. On the downside, the acting was stilted, occasionally venturing into the realm of the bizarre, and character development was not exactly a priority. So when I heard a remake had been greenlit, I felt both hope and dread. Was it even possible to recreate Argento's Technicolor tension and also pay equal attention to providing well-layered performances? Short answer - no. A better question might be, is that a bad thing? Long answer to follow.

Susie Bannion (Dakota Johnson), an Amish girl from Ohio, travels to Germany to attend a world-renowned dance academy managed by her ballet hero, Madame Blanc (Tilda Swinton). No time is wasted in showing us that Blanc and her staff are up to no damn good and may, in fact, be a coven of witches. And I'm not talking Sabrina or Samantha or Glinda here. We learn much from a subplot involving elderly psychiatrist Dr. Josef Klemperer (also Tilda Swinton) who has been seeing Patricia (Chloe Grace Moretz), a former student of the academy who's obviously gone bat-shit crazy. After Patricia disappears, Klemperer discovers her journals which describe a fantastic web of deceit and horror at the prestigious school involving a trio of ancient "mother" witches, Mother Tenebrarum, Mother Lachrymarum, and Mother Suspiriorum and how their influence affects the actions of Blanc and the academy's owner, the reclusive Helena Markos (Tilda Swinton again).

Meanwhile, novice dancer Susie attracts Blanc's attention and quickly becomes the star pupil. Unfortunately for the unwitting Susie, we know she's being groomed for something unspeakably evil. Her new friend and fellow student Sara (Mia Goth) harbors suspicions and in a fit of either courage or stupidity, decides to investigate. Sara discovers Patricia's records are missing as are the records of many other students who mysteriously disappeared over the years. Susie brushes off her friend's concerns and continues to improve under Blanc's overly intimate tutelage (I got the vibe that Blanc was crushing on Susie but I could be wrong).

The climax of the film is as bat-shit crazy as Dr. Klemperer's patients. In a cavernous space deep under the academy, a ritual begins to transfer Markos into her new vessel, Susie. All students and staff, naked and rhythmically writhing in either agony or ecstasy, are in attendance. Klemperer is tricked into coming by a witch pretending to be his dead wife Anke (Jessica Harper, Suzy from the original film). Blanc, wrapped in a blood red ceremonial robe looks on with an increasing sense of unease. Markos, who looks like a half-melted Roy Orbison, cannot suppress her giddiness. The ritual begins by disemboweling Sara. Susie watches with such detachment that Blanc instinctively knows something is very, very wrong. Blanc, it turns out, is correct for Susie came not to be a vessel for Markos but rather a vessel for Mother Suspiriorum herself. Everyone freaks out when Mother Susie raises a zombie-like creature that stalks the room searching for Markos supporters. And what happens to these supporters once found? Imagine the outcome of placing a lit stick of dynamite into jack-o-lantern loaded with blood. I have to say, it was wonderfully epic carnage.

The 2018 version of Suspiria is not so much a remake of the 92-minute original as it is a re-imagining. Its 153-minute run time includes not only the Klemperer subplot but also Susie's backstory, which is as revealing as it is disturbing. Psychedelic cinematography and spine-chilling music are replaced with nuanced character development and riveting performances. Not to mention a completely different denouncement. Argento purists were probably soiling themselves in outrage after watching this updated version but I enjoyed the new take on the 1977 classic. The trick is to stop yourself from comparing the two as you watch. None of this, "Hold on...THAT didn't happen in the original" or "Where's the blind piano player and that weird albino kid?" business. If you take it for what it is on its own terms, you'll enjoy it, too. 

Of course, there are a few issues to address. For reasons I can't properly explain, Susie's long red hair bothered me. I was also bothered by the constant coverage of the German Autumn events. We know it's supposed to be Berlin in 1977. No need to ram it down our throats every ten minutes. I also wish the filmmakers had stuck with telling the tale from Susie's perspective instead of using Dr. Klemperer. The shock ending would have been much more effective had we been allowed to empathize with her rather than the shrink who at the end, is naked and cowering in terror on the floor.

Nevertheless, the question must be asked.  Should you see the new Suspiria?  Yes, yes you should. Despite being longer than Avengers: Infinity War, it's well worth the effort, although I wouldn't watch it alone, at night, with the lights off.

Rating:  4 out of 5

Horror Film Review

Demon House (2018):  Documentary horror from Ghost Adventures creator Zak Bagans that details his  unnerving experience with a house in Gary, Indiana.  Allegedly a portal to hell, the house was the site of a widely-reported demon possession and exorcism.  So of course Zak buys the place sight unseen.  Through extensive interviews with everyone from squatters to the local police, we hear harrowing, if not outlandish, tales of paranormal activity.  Thing is, as disturbing and downright scary as these stories are, what cranks them up to 11 is the fact that you know they're all true.  This isn't a mockumentary or fictional found-footage flick, folks.  It's the real deal, and that's why I found Demon House so unsettling and, frankly, terrifying.

The film begins with a warning.  We're told to watch it at our own risk because it's cursed.  Zak explains the troubled production took four years to complete due to complications and setbacks that were, to coin a phrase, legion.  The warning is a clever marketing ploy but I feel the "cursed" label was well earned given the crazy shit that went down.  The family at the center of possession/exorcism media frenzy agreed to be interviewed by Zak but then changed their mind.  It seems Hollywood wanted to make a movie based on their experience and so deals were made, money changed hands, etc.  Then Zak was threatened by lawyers representing the movie people.  If you've ever watched Ghost Adventures, you know Zak doesn't threaten easy and this time was no different.  He moved forward and lucked out when another family who used to live in the house showed up unannounced.  They walked through the house while Zak interviewed them.  Later, Zak received a call from the mother saying one of her daughters began acting strange after they left and subsequently attempted suicide.  They contacted the local priest who had conducted the original exorcism.  Whatever darkness attached itself to the daughter bailed in a hurry when the padre started in with the ritual.  The girl remembered nothing.

Zak's crew installed cameras throughout the house and most everyone carried a hand-held whenever venturing inside, thus we're witness to the odd behavior displayed by members of the crew as well as invited experts.  Zak expresses sudden and violent mood swings while others fall ill and still others become disproportionately fixated on the basement where someone died years earlier and evidence of rituals and digging was discovered.  A scientist specializing in geo-electromagnetic fields is called in to discern if there could be a non-paranormal explanation for what the residents experienced or thought they experienced.  He found the readings to be normal for the most part but his instruments went ballistic around Zak at the times when Zak felt not himself.  Eventually, the scientist begins to fall ill and leaves.  We later learn he was hospitalized when all his organs began shutting down.  The doctors had no explanation as the man, prior to entering the house anyway, was perfectly healthy.  The number of mishaps and misfortunes that plagued those who stepped foot in that house are alarming and not possibly coincidental. 

Finally, Zak decides to spend a night in the house alone.  In the dark.  With all the windows and doors boarded up from the outside.  Stupid?  Brave?  I know I sure as hell wouldn't have done it.  And if Zak could have known the outcome, I don't think he would have either.  Not much happens in the first few hours of his solitary investigation.  Then something does happen that will test your bladder control.  Sitting on a bed with a hand-held camera in the dark, Zak hears noises and his camera captures a giant shadow pass in front of the doorway.  He recoils in terror, drops the camera, and screams at it to leave him alone.  We next see Zak in the kitchen complaining of a terrible headache.  He's later examined by top specialists who discover he's inexplicably developed a rare condition affecting his vision and must now wear special glasses in order to see.  They can't explain how it happened.  In the end, Zak decides the house poses a threat to anyone who enters and has it razed.

Demon House wormed its way under my skin and gave me a case of the willies.  In the nearly 300 horror films I've reviewed, only a handful have managed to do that.  Fewer still managed to genuinely freak me out.  This documentary did both.  Kudos to Zak Bagans for his directing skills but also for his tenacity in bringing this story to our attention.  I look forward to his next project. 

Rating:  5 out of 5

Horror Film Review

Haunted (2017):  Italian horror that contains nary a doll's head nor a creepy white-eyed girl, so you can ignore the poster.  It does, however, contain some of the most frightening scenes I've ever encountered in a movie.  Unfortunately, it also has some of the worst acting I've ever witnessed.  If you are able to endure the pain of these awful performances, the reward is spectacular.

Aspiring horror writer Max reluctantly agrees to cat-sit for his sister Anna who must take her troubled son to a clinic for testing.  Anna's husband committed suicide in the house but Max isn't bothered.  Well, not at first.  It starts with front door knocks he thinks are kids being little assholes.  Then he begins to find the front door standing open despite locking it.  The strange activity slowly and inexorably escalates until he starts seeing terrifying apparitions.  And I'm not kidding when I say terrifying.  These scenes will seriously test your powers of bowel and bladder control.  Unnerved and at his wit's end, Max begs his friend Chris to stay with him at the house.  Chris, a sex addicted man-child who still lives in his mother's basement, agrees but dismisses Max's claims of paranormal activity out of hand.  Chris changes his tune in a pretty damn big hurry, though and suggests Max contact a professor of demonology he knows. 

We learn that Anna's husband was into weird shit and somehow managed to conjure an ancient Sumerian demon.  Other ghosts, folks who died in the house, came along for the ride.  The professor, Chris and Max attempt a half-assed exorcism that at first blush, appears to work.  Yeah.  It really doesn't.  No happily ever after here.

I can't quite figure out how they managed to make Haunted so damn scary.  It genuinely bugs me.  The bad acting, the odd humor that's stilted and out of place...I don't know.  With so many things wrong with it, I should be ripping this movie apart.  Yet I just can't.  It's got the thrills and chills and peek-through-your-fingers tension that I haven't experienced in ages. 

If you're a horror movie fan and can handle horrible acting, you must see Haunted.  If you need more incentive, there are no subtitles and the cats are not harmed. 

Rating:  4 out of 5

Haunted House Update

Spring is a time of rebirth and renewal.  This age-old line of crap apparently applies to ghosts as well seeing how the activity in my house has ramped up dramatically.  In no particular chronological order:

Getting ready for bed one night, a paperback flew off the bookshelf and landed in the middle of the room.  No, it wasn't a Stephen King novel.

A large portrait of my grandfather in his WWI uniform keeps falling off the wall when it's physically impossible for it to do so.  One time, I happened to be in room to witness it.  I was...surprised.

I recently woke up with inexplicable scratches on my neck.  My boyfriend had a long scratch on his knee that appeared to be from a branding iron.  Oddly, there was no pain for either of us.

There has been what sounds like someone pounding on the front door when no one is even remotely near the front door. 

While in the house alone, my boyfriend heard someone or something say, "Shh!" in his ear.

Lying in bed, I've heard footsteps coming from the next room as well as mumbling voices.

And we consistently hear creaks and knocks and taps that could be anything from the house settling to the ductwork expanding/contracting.  Or they could be from entities starving for attention. 

That's it for now.  I'll post updates if and when we experience additional activity. 

Horror Film Review

The Monster Project (2017):  Where the hell are Sam and Dean Winchester when you need them?  In this interesting if not utterly terrifying movie, two partners who fake supernatural encounters for their YouTube channel decide to go legit and create a documentary about real monsters.  Why?  Fortune and glory, of course.  After all, they are in Hollywood.  The casting call goes out, applications are received, and the three most promising are chosen.  One is a Native American cop who claims to be a skinwalker (think werewolf), another is a tattoo artist who claims to be a vampire, and the last is a quiet and totally creepy Asian girl who claims to be possessed by a demon.  An abandoned Victorian house in the boondocks is rented, which is strange because all they're doing is a series of interviews.  Also strange is choosing the night of a lunar eclipse for the shoot.  Atmosphere and ambiance, the partner in charge reassures them ("them" being the production crew:  his video-faking cohort, his ex-girlfriend, and their recovering addict friend).

This may come as a galloping shock to you, but these three monsters are real.  After the initial interviews, the earth travels between the moon and the sun and then all hell breaks loose.  The cop morphs into a hairy beast that you'd swear hasn't eaten in months.  The vampire lady suddenly becomes terribly thirsty, and the hell-spawn living inside the slight Japanese girl decides it wants to come out and play.  Much screaming, running, hiding, and crying soon follows.  The terror and tension are palpable and incessant, which is super groovy.  There is, however, a major plot twist that will literally cause you to blurt, "The fuck...?" 

I'm gonna spoil it now, so you've been warned.

The director, the partner in charge, the guy who convinced everyone to join him is in actuality, a member of a Satan-worshiping cult.  It's their house.  They needed the three monsters and the ex-junkie's blood for a ritual to be conducted on the night of a full lunar eclipse.  A ritual that will allow Lucifer to escape from hell and destroy the world of man with his godless evil.  And it works.  No happy ending here, folks.  Except for the Satan-loving nutjobs, everyone dies.  Even the monsters.  Yay!

The Monster Project really is a lot of fun, despite the slightly depressing denouncement.  It's mostly in the found-footage style and the acting is first rate.  You will jump, you will be freaked out, and if you avoided the spoiler above, you will be blown away by the twist.  Still...would have been awesome to have Sam and Dean bust in toward the end and kick a little monster butt.  Just sayin'.

Rating:  4 out of 5

Horror Film Review

The Dark Tapes (2016):  Horror weirdness in the found-footage style that is a loosely connected series of mini movies, each more bizarre than the last.  I expected great things from this critically acclaimed film but for the most part just ended up scratching my head.

"To Catch A Demon" starts and finishes the tale with a physicist, his TA, and a cameraman conducting an experiment through which they hope to make contact with trans-dimensional entities that are, theoretically, responsible for everything from sleep paralysis to poltergeist activity to alien abductions.  Turns out they're not entirely wrong.  Time dilation is a thing.  One minute in our world equals ten or a hundred in theirs.  To them, we appear to not be moving at all.  To us, they move too fast to see with the naked eye.  Thank God for high speed cameras.  Anyway, the experiment.  It's a good news, bad news kind of deal.  It's successful, sure.  What they find, however, would make Pennywise run screaming to his mommy. 

"The Hunter and the Hunted" is a fucked up story about a seemingly normal married couple that records themselves in their new (and very haunted) home and soon sends the footage along with a desperate plea for help to a paranormal investigator group.  SPOILERS.  This couple and their young daughter are serial killers that go from city to city, setting up special effects in a house to convince local ghost hunters to investigate, and then murder them.  What does this story have to do with trans-dimensional entities?  Beats the shit out of me.  Admittedly I did not see the twist coming.  Still didn't like it.

"Cam Girls" is equally fucked up and I will spoil it immediately, so fair warning.  Lipstick lesbians run an internet site and charge folks to ogle them while they perform innumerable acts of depravity.  This time, they pick just one guy, a shy and perfectly pleasant chubby dude, to be the recipient of their...attention.  Unfortunately for Chubby, these girls aren't so much girls as Biblical demons possessing these female meat suits.  Powers of demonic persuasion force the poor bastard to slit his own throat.  The "girls" suddenly appear at the guy's place (teleportation?  Uber?) and lament their lot in life right before they turn Chubby into an all-you-can-eat buffet.  So what does this story have to do with trans-dimensional beings?  Good fucking question.  You sensing a trend yet?

"Amanda's Revenge" is the best of the bunch and tackles the problem of alien abduction stories.  At a party, Amanda is roofied by two assholes but saved by her friends before they can rape her.  Afterwards, Amanda becomes withdrawn and paranoid.  The friends believe it's from the trauma, a PTSD thing.  It's not.  She moves but keeps in contact with her best friend via Skype.  She tells him strange things and he thinks she's losing her mind.  Eventually she convinces him that she's being abducted every night and experimented on by scary-ass entities.  Finally!  A connection to the first story!  Yes, "aliens" are in fact trans-dimensional beings but they did not count on Amanda remembering their torturous treatment of her nor did they expect her to fight back.  Let's just say a tripwire rigged to launch balloons filled with sulfuric acid is a remarkably effective deterrent to "alien abduction."  You might want to make a note.

The Dark Tapes does have its edge-of-your-seat, nail-biting moments but precious few genuine scares.  I found it more of a curiosity than a frightfest.  That being said, if you're a found-footage fan and need a fix, you could do much worse. 

Rating:  3 out of 5

Horror Film Review

Veronica (2017):  Facebook is all aflutter with memes about this Spanish horror movie that can be found on Netflix.  These memes, no doubt a quasi-clever marketing ploy, report that most viewers found it too scary to finish.  Some even say it shouldn't be watched by those with heart conditions.  Well, I call bullshit.  I watched Veronica all the way through and while occasionally intense, it is not unduly terrifying.  In fact, I could name dozens of movies way more likely to induce involuntary bowel expulsion.  Nevertheless, ouija board/possession flicks affect different people in different ways.  I suppose just as some fled the theater in terror during The Exorcist, there are those who simply cannot handle Veronica.  I refer to these people as weenies.

Madrid, Spain.  1991.  Police receive a frantic call for help from a girl in the middle of the night.  What the police detective in charge of the investigation discovers upon arrival...well, we find out later.  I should mention these events did really happen, maybe not exactly as depicted here, but after a fashion.  So, quickly:  Teenage Veronica looks after her younger siblings as their mom works nearly 24/7 at a bar and their dad is dead.  At school while all others are on the roof observing a solar eclipse, Veronica and two friends play with a ouija board in the basement.  Of course something inexplicable and creepy happens, leaving Veronica unconscious.  Later, she begins suffering from nightmares and hallucinations (the one of her very dead and very naked father being perhaps the most disturbing).  One of her sisters gets choked by an entity only Veronica can see and her brother is scalded in the bathtub.  Frantic, she consults the occult reference manuals that came with the ouija board as well as the blind nun at her school kids call Sister Death and learns she must use the board again to close the portal she and her friends opened.  Her friends refuse so she tries with her twin sisters.  Let's just say it doesn't go quite according to plan.

The twist at the end isn't exactly a The Sixth Sense-caliber twist, but it's groovy enough.  Not so groovy are the typical annoyances like a disbelieving mom and bailing "best" friend.  I also don't understand why Veronica thinks drawing Viking protection symbols will do any good.  It's not as if she summoned Loki or anything.  Also, she entrusted this rather important job to her 3 year-old brother, telling him to draw this particular symbol on all the walls.  The problem is that in the book containing said symbol, there is another symbol not for protecting but for conjuring.  How long do you think it took for the kid to find the conjuring symbol?  Yeah...there's a reason her portal closing doesn't go quite according to plan.

The Skinny

Acting:  The performances were flawed but serviceable.  Sandra Escacena as Veronica is an actor to keep your eye on.  I think she'll be around awhile.
Story:  Possession and supernatural shenanigans born of ouija board usage by morons isn't anything new.  The hook here is that it really happened...sort of. 
Direction:  Draggy in parts and unique in others.  At one hour and 45 minutes, it's too long.
Production Values:  It's got that gritty, foreign film vibe that really helps set the tone and mood.  I have no budget data, but I'd guess it didn't cost more than a million bucks to make.
Gore/FX:  There's blood, not buckets of it, but enough to satisfy me.  The CGI doesn't suck.
Scares:  You'll jump once or twice, but more importantly, there are alarming scenes that will instill in you a frightful sense of dread. 
Ending:  Twisty and appropriate for this flavor of horror flick. 
Verdict:  Should you see Veronica?  Sure.  It's a solid effort and deserves the majority of the accolades being heaped upon it.  Just don't buy into the ridiculous hype that's it's the scariest movie of 2018 or that it's too scary to finish. 

Rating:  4 out of 5

Horror Film Review

Better Watch Out (2016):  Holiday horror homage to Home Alone that tries oh-so hard to be clever but ultimately leaves you glad courts can sentence minors to death.  Lots of folks prattle on about spoilers when discussing this movie.  "Don't spoil it for people who haven't seen it!"  This is not The Sixth Sense, so bite me.  And if you have the brains God gave pond scum, you'll figure out the "twist" in no time at all.

Ashley (Olivia DeJonge) is moving to Pittsburgh after the holidays and decides to babysit 12 year-old Luke (Levi Miller) one last time.  Luke, who's been in love with Ashley for years, decides it's time to make his move.  His plans, which include watching a horror movie in order to scare her into a state of sexual frenzy, are seemingly thwarted by calls and texts from Ashley's boyfriend Ricky (Aleks Mikic).  Annoyed and depressed, Luke breaks out a bottle of champagne and proceeds to chug.  Then strange things begin to go down.  The back door that should be closed is open.  Knocks on the front door but no one is there.  Man-sized shadows crossing in front of the windows.  And then shattering glass from upstairs.  Luke's best friend Garrett (Ed Oxenbould) appears out of nowhere and they initially think he's just messing with them.  But shit keeps happening and Ashley realizes it's a home invasion or possibly worse.  Garrett freaks and runs out the back door...only to be mowed down by someone with a silenced gun.  Ashley and Luke hide, cry, reassure each other, and hug as a shotgun-toting masked intruder searches the house for them.  However, Ashley eventually notices the man is wearing Luke's ski mask and figures out she's been played.  The man is actually Garrett and the whole evening was staged just to frighten her.  She's pissed, royally pissed, and lays into the two boys, mostly berating them for being so childish and stupid.  Luke slaps her.  She tumbles down the stairs and wakes up duct-taped to a chair.  Now the real movie begins.

I'll be brief.  Luke's nuts.  I'm talking A Clockwork Orange nuts, and he has a psychotic plan to lure Ashley's current boyfriend and ex-boyfriend Jeremy (Dacre Montgomery) to the house in order to exact revenge on them for simply being in love with her.  And since Luke possesses the stereotypical mindset of a psychopathic wacko...if I can't have her, no one can...Ashley is fair game as well.  The wild card in all this is Garrett, who after discovering from Ashley that Luke killed his hamster, begins to waver in his dedication to Luke's plan.  Thanks to this doubt, things don't end well for Garrett.  Or for Ricky and the ex-boyfriend for that matter.  In the end, Luke stabs Ashley in the neck and then stages the scene to make it appear as if Jeremy killed everyone in a jealous rage before hanging himself in the backyard.  The parents come home, totally freak, call the cops, and Luke finally gets what he ultimately desired most - his mother's full and undivided attention.  Yep.  The little brat is basically Norman Bates.  But while reveling in the loving embrace of his mother, Luke suddenly hears someone shout, "This one's still alive!"  From his bedroom window, Luke watches paramedics load Ashley into an ambulance.  She sees him watching...and flips him off.  The look on Luke's face almost made sitting through the previous 89 minutes worth it.  Almost.

I don't know about you, but movies that shamelessly manipulate the audience in order to achieve its goals piss me off.   I also intensely dislike films where kids kill adults and get away with it.  My disbelief can only be suspended so much.  I say get away with it because there's an after-credits scene in Better Watch Out in which Luke asks his mom if they can go to the hospital to check on Ashley.  The idea, I assume, is that once there, this 12 year-old boy will somehow manage to finish the job.  It's just silly.

The Skinny

Acting:  I think Levi Miller tried channeling either Jared Leto's Joker or perhaps Malcolm McDowell's Alex from A Clockwork Orange but it's impossible to convey the required sense of menace when your voice keeps breaking and you have a baby face.  DeJonge as Ashley did well.
Story:  Manipulative and uninspired.  The very first scene, however, where a boy knocks the head off a girl's snowman and is consequently called a "buttfucker" and chased down by said girl is hilarious.
Direction:  Oddly tension-free and dull.
Production Values:  It was filmed in Australia by production companies I've never heard of so I assume the budget wasn't huge.  Low budget notwithstanding, there's no sense of cheapness. 
Gore/FX:  The R-rating is inexplicable.  There a bit of blood but no gore.  There was carnage yet it remained off camera.  Big mistake.
Scares:  I wish.
Ending:  Ruined by the post-credits scene.
Verdict:  Should you see Better Watch Out?  Nope.  Go watch The Babysitter on Netflix instead...or Home Alone. 

Rating:  2 out of 5

Horror Film Review

Tag (2015):  Japanese weirdness that defies logic but somehow forces you to keep watching.  Probably because you expect the explanation to be forthcoming.  And because there's a shitload of gory deaths along the way.

Schoolgirl Mitsuko (Reina Triendl) is having a bit of a bad day.  A mysterious invisible force slices her school bus in half along with her classmates and then proceeds to chase her.  Sort of like in Evil Dead but with the music from The Walking Dead.  Seriously, I'm surprised there's been no lawsuit.  Anyway, Mitsuko runs through the woods, by a river, finds a change of clothes, and ends up at a school....where everyone wonders why she's freaking out.  Her friends calm her down, they skip class, talk philosophy, and then end up being gunned down by the psycho teaching staff that somehow managed to obtain automatic weapons and grenade launchers.  Mitsuko runs and runs and finds herself in a town in front of a police station...where the policewoman calls her Keiko and asks why she's dressed like a schoolgirl.  Then things get really weird.  Keiko dons a wedding dress, walks up the church aisle toward an upright coffin out of which jumps a pig-headed man with maggots in his mouth.  Her friend, Aki, from the school who'd been shot and killed appears in the church and in secret explains that she needs to fight and keep running.  So they fight and Keiko runs...only to later turn into a marathon runner named Izumi.  Other previously killed friends show up to cheer her on and attempt to explain just what the fuck is going on.  Turns out she's trapped in a video game of sorts.  A guy who had a crush on Mitsuko somehow obtained a sample of her DNA and her friends' DNA and created a bunch of clones.  Sort of.  It's really many years in the future and Mitsuko died long ago.  The only way she can stop the game is to do something utterly spontaneous and unexpected.  So she does. 

This is one of those movies that prefers style over substance.  Focus on cutting schoolgirls in half and all the resulting blood instead of creating tension through character development and coherent plotting.  It's too bad, really.  The potential was practically unlimited.

The Skinny

Acting:  Yuki Sakurai as Aki is fantastic.  Triendl as Mitsuko acts as if she's either stoned or half asleep.  I'll assume she was instructed to pretend to be in shock.  The girls who played Keiko and Izumi did better.
Story:  Bizarre yet interesting.  Could have used a little more interesting and a plotline that doesn't make you say, "WTF is going on?" every five minutes.
Direction:  Can't really complain although I'm sure the director could have inserted a scene or two that would have helped 'splain some things.
Production Values:  Filmed mostly on location...somewhere in Japan, I assume...it doesn't look bad at all.  There's a thing with red feathers that's pretty groovy.  No clue what the budget was, but I'd guess not more than a few million.
Gore/FX:  No skimping on blood and gore as you might expect when two school buses full of children are sliced in half lengthwise.  Likewise, no skimping on the CGI when needing to kill kids in new and interesting ways.
Scares:  None, which is a shame.  Not what they were shooting for, so to speak.
Ending:  It did end, thank God.  I was beginning to wonder.  How it ended, though, is a bit of a head-scratcher.
Verdict:  Should you see Tag?  If you enjoy subtitles, a confusing plot, and gratuitous violence, then this is definitely the movie for you. Personally, I'd recommend Sucker Punch instead.

Rating:  3 out of 5

Horror Film Review

Hell House LLC (2015):  One might imagine that by now the found-footage/mockumentary craze would have burned itself out, that every conceivable plot has been shot with the telltale shaky camera.  Ever since The Blair Witch Project, I estimate that 87% of these films are stinky.  I’ve certainly reviewed my share, and now usually avoid them as earnestly as a vampire avoids the sun.  So when my boyfriend wanted to watch Hell House LLC, I fully expected it to fall into the stinky 87%.  It didn’t.  What can I say?  Thirteen is my lucky number.

As her subject, a documentary filmmaker has chosen the unexplained massacre that occurred at a haunted attraction 5 years ago.  No one, not the police, not the survivors seem to know what really happened on that opening night that cost the  lives of 15 people.  Some murky smartphone video shot by a survivor offers no answers and only shows a logjam of panicked customers trying desperately to flee the basement.  Chilling, yes.  Helpful?  Not so much.  The filmmaker lucks out when the only surviving member of the attraction’s staff a comes forward to not only be interviewed but also to hand over video of what really took place. 

And so in that video…

Every Halloween, Alex (Danny Bellini) and his friends find a location in or around New York and create a haunted house attraction to make some dough.  This time it’s a dilapidated hotel, abandoned decades ago, in the small town of Abaddon, NY.  Why was it abandoned?  Bad things happened there.  Very bad things.  Unfortunately, neither Alex nor his friends, Sara (Ryan Jennifer Jones), Paul (Gore Abrams), Tony (Jared Hacker), and Mac (Adam Schneider) bothered to research the history of the site.  Although one would think the pentagram on the basement wall would have been a clue.  Nevertheless, they get the lights working and for a month, live in the creepy place while they work at transforming it into a world-class haunted house.  During that month, weird shit goes down.  Shit that would drive any sensible human away…screaming.  But no, money and some inexplicable loyalty to Alex (who’s kind of a douchebag) prevents such a logical course of action.  And boy do they pay for it.

During the month of preparation, they record everything.  So what’s some of the weird shit that goes down?  A clown mannequin, no…a fucking terrifying clown mannequin moves from the basement to a variety of unexpected places, usually at night.  Sara sleepwalks and speaks in tongues.  Paul encounters what can only be a ghost in his room and vanishes.  He’s later found in the basement, catatonic.  The video of a dress rehearsal reveals more monsters in the shadows than there should be.  And then there’s the unexplained shrieking.  The show, however, must go on.  Apparently.  Morons.  There is a nifty twist toward the end that I did not expect.  It kind of makes the whole 93 minutes worthwhile.

I must rant about one thing.  After one particular bizarre occurrence, Tony, utterly terrified, comes unglued and raves at Alex, shouting that he must call it off.  Of course Alex refuses and Tony quits and storms out.  Mac catches up with him, says there’s something he (Tony) doesn’t know.  Cut to Tony sitting in a field, just staring.  Mac comes over and Tony tells him that yes, of course he’ll stay, how could he not?  What did Mac tell him that could have swayed Tony so quickly and decisively?  That’s my complaint:  We.  Don’t.  Know.   How does keeping this answer from us enhance the story?  It doesn’t.  Do we ever find out?  Hell, no.  Grrr….thinking about now pisses me off all over again.

The Skinny

Acting:  Not exactly theater in the round but they’re all passable as real people.  The documentary filmmaker is annoying.

Story:  About as unique as a man named John Smith eating vanilla ice cream.  That being said, it’s not the script but the execution.

Direction:  This really could have been a mess.  A documentary within a documentary within a documentary.  Fortunately, it was all cobbled together in a manner that squeezed out the maximum amount of thrills and chills.

Production Values:  Ironically, the film was shot in Pennsylvania at a real haunted attraction that had once been a hotel.  So that’s groovy and most definitely adds to the realism.  On the downside, the lighting is muddy on occasion and the sound…well, I recommend turning on the subtitles.

Gore/FX:  There is a itty bitty bit of blood but that’s about it.  No CGI that I could see.  They did their f/x old school. 

Scares:  There are.  Too many to count, if I’m honest.  My boyfriend, also a horror nerd, hid behind a pillow for half the movie if that tells you anything.

Ending:  Expected but in an unexpected way.  There’s this twist, see…

Verdict:  Should you watch Hell House LLC?  You really should.  It's a surprisingly fresh take on an overused sub genre.   

Rating:  4 out of 5

Horror Film Review

It (2017):  After all the hype, the wait is finally over!  It is here; the remake that's taken the internet by storm and one that impressed Stephen King himself enough to say his fans will love.  I am a Stephen King fan and I will admit the man was not wrong.  I was impressed, although not for the reasons you might expect.

We all know the story.  Kids in Derry, Maine are going missing, including Georgie Denbrough (Jackson Robert Scott), the boy in the yellow rain slicker who just wanted to sail the paper boat made for him by his beloved older brother Bill (Jaeden Lieberher).  Unfortunately, the boat slipped into a storm drain and into the hands of the evil monster clown Pennywise (Bill Skarsgaard).  As this is an R-rated film, we are not spared from witnessing Georgie's fate.  It's disturbing and pretty gross.  Months later, school is out but instead of enjoying summer vacation, Bill and his friends, the neurotic germophobe Eddie (Jack Dylan Grazer), shy and skittish Stanley (Wyatt Oleff), and comedy relief master Richie (Finn Wolfhard), decide to search the sewers under Derry for some sign of Georgie.  They run into the new kid on the block Ben (Jeremy Ray Taylor) who's fleeing from psychotic bully Henry Bowers (Nicholas Hamilton) and his goons.  The Loser's Club is rounded out by the tough talking Beverly Marsh (Sophia Lillis) who lives with her creepy abusive father and orphan Mike Hanlon (Chosen Jacobs) who very reluctantly works with his grandfather killing sheep with a bolt gun.

Each suffers terrifying encounters with Pennywise which are tailored to their deepest fears.  The Loser's Club disbands after internal fighting, mainly between Bill and Richie but when Beverly disappears, they regroup and decide to fight the monster for her sake as well as for the sake of all of Derry's kids.  Research of Derry's history leads them to the entrance of the clown's lair, which of course is an ancient well in the basement of what is possibly the creepiest and most dangerous haunted house on the planet.  Once down there, they find Beverly and learn what it means to float.  And it's not what you think.  All seven friends overcome their fears and go toe to toe with the clown in an epic final battle.

Everyone will compare this version to the 1990 mini-series.  Don't.  They're simply too different for a viable comparison.  Skarsgaard's Pennywise is more insane than Tim Curry's sarcastic jokester, more flat out malevolent, and it works almost too well.  That is to say he will scare the crap out of you.  As for why I was impressed, it's all about the actors.  These child actors are nothing short of phenomenal.  You'll recognize Wolfhard from Stranger Things but I'd never seen the others before and truthfully feel each one deserves an Academy Award nomination.  Just...wow.  Also impressive is the way the theme of empowerment is incorporated.  Beverly stands up to her father in a brutal yet satisfying manner.  Eddie stands up to his suffocating and overprotective mother.  Mike stands up to Henry Bowers and of course they all stand up to Pennywise.  There's also a deep thread of pathos woven into the story that keeps you emotionally invested from beginning to end.  You find yourself rooting for these kids as if they were your own or as if you were a member of the Loser's Club, too.  Perhaps the most surprising thing about It is the humor.  I swear, it's as funny as it is scary.  That they somehow managed to perfectly blend humor and horror is astonishing.  Well done.

The Skinny

Acting:  Excellent bordering on perfection.
Story:  New take on an iconic tale of terror that works on all levels.  Should not have been possible.
Production Values:  The $35 million budget seems like a lot for a horror flick, but the money was put to good use.  The locations, sets, everything looks great.
Gore/FX:  Yeah...there's blood and many of the kids' fears brought to life are totally gross, and therefore groovy.  The CGI is incredible, not to mention terrifying.
Scares:  Oh, one or two...or ten.  I don't scare easy but they got me.  For me, the two biggest scares are in the library with Ben.  They're not jump scares either.  When Ben is leafing through the history book, keep an eye on the librarian in the out of focus background.  I mean, damn.  All in all, you may be best served by wearing extra thick underwear.  There is a real possibility you may pee or poo yourself.
Ending:  They cut their hands and make a blood pact to return if It comes back.  Foreshadowing?  Well, sure.  That and the filmmakers using "Chapter One" for the end screen.  Like we didn't know they battle Pennywise again as adults.  You didn't know?  What, you been living under a rock?
Verdict:  Should you see It?  This is an absolute must see for horror fans as it's one of the best horror films ever made.  I don't make this statement lightly and will defend it till my dying day.  It ranks up there with The Exorcist, Poltergeist, Halloween, and even The Evil Dead.  Yes.  It's that good.

Rating:  5 out of 5

Horror Film Review

10 Cloverfield Lane (2016):  This third film in J.J. Abrams' loosely connected trilogy (Super 8 and Cloverfield being the first two) is part horror, part mystery, and part sci-fi and just all kinds of groovy.  This is a movie Alfred Hitchcock might have directed.  Or John Carpenter.  Or M. Night Shyamalan.  You get the idea.  It's tense and scary with twists I never saw coming.  Just like that flying umbrella lady from the U.K., it's practically perfect in every way.

Michelle (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) fled the city and her douchey boyfriend (voice of Bradley Cooper) and is driving in a bucolic area of Louisiana.  A pickup runs her off the road, she crashes, and then wakes up in stark, cement room hooked up to an IV.  Her captor/savior Howard (John Goodman) explains he saved her life, they're in his bomb shelter, and a global cataclysm of unknown origin has rendered the air poisonous.  She's dubious because Howard acts more than a little nuts at times.  He's a paranoid doomsday prepper with a legion of personality disorders.  Although when she meets the third occupant Emmett (John Gallagher, Jr.), a seemingly normal local who knows Howard and backs up everything he's said, Michelle begins to believe a little.  When she tries to escape and witnesses a woman outside the bunker die from what appears to severely contaminated air, Michelle believes a lot.  However, as the days go on and she and Emmett begin to fully grasp the extent of their host's insanity, the two plan an escape regardless of how deadly the environment above may be.  SPOILERS.  Michelle creates a hazmat suit from a shower curtain and a gas mask that would make MacGyver jealous.  Howard knows something's up, kills Emmett, and we learn just how crazy he, Howard, is (he abducted a local girl and kept her prisoner in the bunker and pretended she was his daughter).  Michelle grapples with him, spilling a barrel of acid on him (method of disposing of the girl and Emmett) and starting a fire.  She finally reaches the surface just as the bunker explodes only to find a perfectly normal farm setting.  Birds are flying, insects are buzzing, the crops are...cropping.  She removes her mask and discovers the air is just fine.  But when she hears aircraft and climbs atop a pickup truck's roof for a better look, we realize the air is not the problem.  It's the aliens that have invaded earth that's the problem.  She then gives the best line of the film.  "Oh, come on."  The last 15 minutes are super exciting with Michelle fighting for her life against evil E.T.s.

You'd think a movie with Cloverfield in the title would have tipped me off to the cause of the cataclysm.  Howard's madness and Michelle's struggles against it cleverly distracts the viewer from that so when it's revealed, you're like, "No fucking way!"  But it's a good "No fucking way!"  And the filmmakers do it without you feeling manipulated.  There is a bit of a common sense problem regarding Howard's bunker, though.  A design flaw.  To access the air filtration pump, you have to crawl through duct work that's way too narrow for a normal sized guy much less someone as girthy as Howard.  And in case you're wondering, I looked it up...the acid in the movie, perchloric acid, is indeed flammable.  Yay, science!

The Skinny

Acting:  Goodman steals the show as nutjob Howard.  Winstead and Gallagher deliver fine performances.
Story:  Uniquely layered and loaded with unexpected tension and suspense.  One hell of a script.
Direction:  Expertly handled from beginning to end.  Superbly crafted.  One hour and 44 minutes go by in a flash.
Production Values:  Its budget, $15 million, probably went mostly to the CGI folks.  Beyond that, detailed and realistic sets that are properly lit.
Gore/FX:  There is some blood and a few gory bits.  I'm somewhat surprised they got away with a PG-13 rating, to be honest.  The CGI at the end is all kinds of fabulous.
Scares:  Actually, yes.  More relentless tension than jump scares, though.
Ending:  Unexpected thrills and chills with the door left open for a possible fourth Cloverfield tale.  Fingers crossed.
Verdict:  Should you see 10 Cloverfield Lane?  Without question.  It's as close to cinematic perfection as you're ever likely to experience.  As good as Super 8 and Cloverfield were, and they were damned good, this is even better.

Rating:  5 out of 5

Horror Film Review

Death Note (2017):  Confession...I haven't read the manga or watched the anime.  Or the Japanese live action movie.  So I feel my review should be fairly objective.  Death Note nutters, I mean fans, apparently hate it with a passion hotter than the surface of the sun.  Well...duh.  What did they expect when 37 anime episodes or 12 manga stories are crammed into a movie that's just an hour and 41 minutes long?  Be like trying to make one Inuyasha or Naruto movie.  That this Netflix production is fully Americanized also puts their knickers in a twist; in Seattle, Light is white, L is black, etc.  Again...duh.  How about this - if you're a massive fan of Death Note, do not watch this.  OK?  Arigato.

A leather bound book (kind of ledger-sized) falls from the sky during a freak storm and lands at the feet of high school student Light (Nat Wolff).  The cover simply reads DEATH NOTE.  In detention for standing up to a bully, Light finds the pages are old and yellowed and chock-full of numbered rules/instructions.  Other pages contain hundreds of names written by many different people.  There are also blank pages.  If he writes a person's name in the book, that person will die by whatever means Light chooses.  Or so it says.  He thinks it's a load of crap, of course.  Until Ryuk, a Shinigami or Death God shows up in the detention room and scares the ever-loving shit out of him.  Light screams like a girl, by the way.  Essentially, Ryuk is like a devil on Light's shoulder whispering into his ear.  Sure, it explains the the basics of how the Death Note works but conveniently leaves out a number of loopholes and other fine print details.  It is evil, after all.  So Light gives it a trial run, deciding on decapitation for the bully, and sees it happen right before his eyes.  Frightened yet emboldened, his next victim is the scumbag who was acquitted for his mother's murder.  Light now has visions of ridding the world of all scumbags, and being the teenage boy that he is, he must share his secret with the girl he's sweet on, Mia (Margaret Qualley), a person who had no interest in him until she discovered the power he wields.  Yeah.  She's one of those.  Anyway, Mia and Light go on a killing spree and convince the world it's the doing of a shadowy figure named Kira.  Soon, crime levels drop because bad guys are terrified that they may be next.  Light's dad, James (Shea Whigham), is a cop investigating this Kira vigilante with the help of L (Lakeith Stanfield), an eccentric and super rich independent investigator who's not much older than Light but possesses the deductive prowess of Sherlock Holmes.  With both Ryuk and now Mia pushing him to blur the lines of morality, and L snapping at his heels, Light must figure out if the Death Note will be his salvation or ultimately lead to his demise.  All I can say is thank God for loopholes and fine print.

As groovy as all this may sound, Netflix's Death Note has its problems.  The ease with which Light settles into his role as judge, jury, and executioner is disturbing.  You'd think he's the Punisher or something.  Even though the victims are deserving, one would think there'd be a minute or two of hand wringing or conscience wrestling.  Nope.  He knocks off folks with the glee of a true sociopath.  Another problem is L, or rather the lack of sufficient explanation as to who this guy is and why everyone in authority bows and scrapes to him.  Kind of acts like a spoiled punk to me.  And then there's Mia.  She's so obviously a power hungry bitch who cares nothing for Light that you want to scream at the TV, "WTF is wrong with you, Light?  Wake up, dumbass!"  Ah, well.  Teen boy hormones.  Whaddya gonna do?

The Skinny

Acting:  No one sucked.  That's something.  Okay...Standfield as L could have been less annoying.  Willem Dafoe is the voice of Ryuk and he kills it.
Story:  American reimagining of the classic Japanese saga.  It works better as a Japanese saga.  The script steps on its own tail and fails to generate any real tension or pathos.
Direction:  It's not the easiest movie to follow.
Production Values:  One thing about Netflix, they don't scrimp on the budget.  I've seen big studio movies that look much worse.
Gore/FX:  Blood and gore reminiscent of the Final Destination films.  That is to say, lots.  They show the bully's decapitation by runaway ladder.  Nice.  And the CGI for Ryuk is properly done.
Scares:  None that I remember.
Ending:  Here's another problem.  It leaves you hanging.  Will he or won't he?  The last line of the movie, Ryuk saying, "Humans are so interesting," certainly doesn't help.
Verdict:  Should you see Death Note?  If you're not a fan of the anime or manga, then I'm leaning toward "Yes" but just barely.  If you are a fan of the anime or manga, spare yourself the righteous indignation that will no doubt give you the vapors and go find a new anime or manga.  I personally recommend One Punch Man.

Rating:  3 out of 5

Horror Film Review

Annabelle (2014):  A film with that creepy ass doll from The Conjuring.  By the way, the real Annabelle is a large Reggedy Ann doll that's about as scary as a bunny rabbit.  Artistic liberties, I suppose.  Anyway, this little adventure takes place before Lorraine and Ed Warren lock the doll up in their bizarre museum of haunted objects.

Josh (Ward Horton) buys the doll for his pregnant wife Mia (Annabelle Wallis) who apparently collects creepy ass dolls.  Satanic cultists invade their home.  A violent struggle ensues, and before one of the cultists dies, she performs some kind of ritual that opens Annabelle up for demonic possession.  Or something.  The couple move and Josh tosses the doll in the trash at Mia's request.  Unpacking at their new place, Mia finds Annabelle.  They're surprised and confused but decide to keep it instead of trashing it again.  Probably not the brightest idea.  Paranormal activity follows shortly thereafter and escalates to the point where Father Perez (Tony Amendola) is called in.  He takes the doll back to his church, well, tries to anyway.  Kindly neighbor Evelyn (Alfre Woodard) steps in to help and really goes above and beyond the call.  You see, the demon demands that Mia kill herself or it will kill her newborn baby.  I know.  I was like, WTF?  Here's your spoiler warning.  Evelyn grabs Annabelle and leaps out the window to her death, thereby sparing Mia who was actually about to jump herself.  Josh, Mia, and baby all live.  Happy, happy, happy.

I don't like dolls.  It's not a phobia as such but rather they instill in me a deep sense of discomfort and mistrust.  Strangely, Annabelle failed to twang that string in me, so I could view this film from a more objective position.  Objectively, this film is pretty silly.  Oh, it certainly dishes out a fright or two but the whole Satanic cult business and a demon haggling like it's trying to get a deal on a used car...no.  My disbelief can only be suspended so much.

The Skinny

Acting:  Amendola is great as usual (loved him in Stargate SG-1).  Horton and Wallis try too hard.  It's as if they're forcing pathos down our throats.
Story:  Trite and tiresome.
Direction:  He made the most of it, although 99 minutes is too long.
Production Values:  Can't think of too many flaws here.  I would have guessed the budget to be much higher than $6.5 million.
Gore/FX:  Some good blood at the beginning with the cultist melee.  Not nearly enough carnage for the film to be rated R, though.
Scares:  There are, yes.  I will concede that much.
Ending:  I think it's goofy and manipulative.
Verdict:  Should you see Annabelle?  If you love creepy ass doll movies, then yes.  If you liked The Conjuring and think this will be as good, then no.  Just go watch The Conjuring again.

Rating:  2 out of 5

Horror Film Review

Hidden (2015):  Post-apocalyptic/outbreak flick that may or may not also be a zombie flick.  This one's tough to categorize.  You'll understand why shortly.  One thing I can report with confidence is that I didn't see the twist coming.  Either I'm getting old or the film is just that good.  I vote for the film being just that good.

Ray (Alexander Skarsgaard) and Claire (Andrea Riseborough) along with daughter Zoe (Emily Alyn Lind) live in an underground bomb shelter.  After some kind of outbreak and subsequent cataclysm nearly a year earlier, it's been their home.  The rules they live by, their creed, if you will, are:  never be loud, never lose control, never open the door, and never mention the "breathers."  You assume "breathers" are the creatures or infected zombie-like folk who have overrun the world.  Personality-wise, Ray and Claire are like Phil and Claire from Modern Family.  Ray is upbeat, positive, and enjoys games with Zoe while Claire is the pragmatic voice of reason.  Anyway, whilst dealing with a provisions-stealing rat, a fire breaks out in the bunker.  This induces extreme panic as they're certain the escaping smoke will be seen by the breathers and their hidey-hole will be discovered.  They are correct.  The breathers are certainly scary, but the more you watch them, the more you realize something isn't quite right...  Spoiler warning.  The breathers are military dudes in respirator masks, not zombies or virus-ridden cannibals.  Turns out, Ray's family lived in a suburban area that was quarantined.  Everyone affected in the quarantine zone is being hunted down.  Why?  Because...wait for it...Ray, Claire and Zoe are the mutants, changed by whatever they were exposed to.  The "never lose control" rule is because whenever they get upset or very emotional, they basically do a Mr. Hyde (or Hulk) transformation and become not-quite mindless, super strong and savage.  They flee after a short skirmish in which Ray is apparently killed (he got in some good licks, though).  Just when all seems hopeless, Claire and Zoe are found by a kid who used to be their neighbor.  He leads them to an underground community where the people are just like them.  Aww.  Kind of warm and fuzzy.

The twist was groovy.  I'm sure the filmmakers were attempting to comment on some sociological issue plaguing the world but if so, I missed it.  Thank God.  I enjoyed the random and unexpected humor as well.  Surprising in such a dark, bleak setting.

The Skinny

Acting:  Skarsgaard and Riseborough are fantastic.  Lind as Zoe is slightly annoying.
Story:  They took a conventional horror theme and turned it on its ear.  Clever.
Direction:  Flowing tension for the full 84 minute run time.
Production Values:  No budget data although I'd wager it wasn't in the millions.  Still, I have no complaints regarding its look or the technical aspects.
Gore/FX:  Some blood but nothing I feel would warrant the R rating.
Scares:  More nerve-wracking tension than anything.  You might jump once or twice, though.
Ending:  Almost happily ever after.
Verdict:  Should you see Hidden?  Yep.  It's better than the majority of horror flicks out there today and deserves to found instead of hidden.  (OK...sorry about that.)

Rating:  4 out of 5

Horror Film Review

The Boy (2016):  Creepy doll flick set in the English countryside and starring Maggie from The Walking Dead (Lauren Cohan).  I'm assuming someone had the bright idea to capitalize on the popularity of Annabelle from the Conjuring films, and I'm glad they did because this is a groovy movie.

Fleeing an abusive relationship, Greta (Cohan) accepts a position in the U.K. as nanny to the son of the Heelshires, a strange old couple who live in the middle of nowhere.  No cell phone service, no internet, as primitive as can be.  Stranger still is the fact that the couple's son Brahms is a life-sized and life-like doll they treat and speak to as though real.  Greta is shown a rigid daily schedule for Brahms including meals, reading, music, and even a kiss goodnight.  Then the Heelshires are off on holiday.  Greta, of course, thinks they're loony tunes and ignores the schedule.  Malcolm (Rupert Evans), the once a week deliveryman, takes a shine to Greta and explains the real Brahms died in a fire and his parents never recovered.  No shit.  Malcolm also reveals local gossip about the boy and it's not what you'd call positive.  Soon, Greta notices the doll changes position when she's not looking or her possessions get moved or go missing.  Reluctantly, she begins to think the doll is haunted/possessed by Brahms and so starts following Heelshires' schedule for their son.  As a side note, I should mention that back in the States with her asshole boyfriend, Greta had a miscarriage after the asshole beat on her.  This probably explains why she increasingly treats the doll like a real boy.  Oh, there's also a scene where we watch the Heelshires walk hand in hand into the sea.  What could prompt their decision to kill themselves?  Eventually, Greta confides in a skeptical Malcolm who after witnessing the doll move when they're out of the room now also believes the spirit of Brahms inhabits it.  At this point, everything goes a bit tits up.

Asshole boyfriend Cole (Ben Robson) shows up unannounced and apologetic.  He says he's come to take her home.  Malcolm comes by, Cole flies into a jealous rage, and Greta asks Brahms to help.  Psychotic Cole grabs the doll by its legs and smashes it to pieces.  Here's your spoiler warning.  Turns out Brahms didn't die in a fire.  He's all grown up and living in the secret passages in the house.  Like Jason Voorhees, he's big, quiet, and wears a mask, albeit not a hockey mask, and, of course, is fucking insane.  Suddenly, this supernatural movie transforms into a slasher flick.  After the doll is destroyed, Brahms bursts in, kills Cole, and chases Malcolm and Greta through the secret passages.  Malcolm goes down (is he alive or dead?) and she escapes outside and flees down the driveway but then stops and returns to the house.  I started thinking she was insane until I realized her plan.  She finds Brahms and begins scolding him as a nanny would scold a rambunctious boy.  It's bedtime and he needs to get under the covers.  No kiss because he's been bad.  This works...for a while.  Ultimately, his base desires overwhelm his child-like mentality and they fight.  Luckily Greta had the common sense to secretly pocket a screwdriver.  Turns out Brahms isn't quite as indestructible as Jason.

I must admit, I did not see the twist coming.  Very clever.  I knew Cole would show up but had no inkling about Brahms.  I enjoy surprises like this.  My one complaint involves the very last shot in the film.  I guess Greta should have found a bigger screwdriver.

The Skinny

Acting:  There is acting and it's really very good.  Bigly good.
Story:  Fresh, clever, and uber creepy.
Direction:  I could not find a misstep except for the length; 97 minutes is too long.
Production Values:  Splendid.  They used the $8 million budget well.
Gore/FX:  Some blood when Cole goes down.  No gore nor CGI that I can recall.
Scares:  It does have its moments.
Ending:  Except for the last shot, quite satisfying.
Verdict:  Should you see The Boy?  You should.  It's nice to watch Cohan be someone other than Maggie.  It's even nicer to find a creepy doll movie that's twisty and not really about the doll.

Rating:  4 out of 5

Horror Film Review

Phoenix Forgotten (2017):  A found-footage/mockumentary mash-up that boasts Ridley Scott as producer and likens itself to The Blair Witch Project.  Remember the famous line, "I knew Jack Kennedy, and you sir are no Jack Kennedy?"  Well, I know The Blair Witch Project and this film is absolutely not The Blair Witch Project.  It is, however, a supreme effort to shoehorn the fictional disappearance of three teens into the real Phoenix Lights incident.  Did it work?  To borrow a line from another Ridley Scott movie:  At home, watching a frustrating horror movie, no one can hear you scream.

At his little sister's birthday party in 1997, teenager Josh Bishop (Luke Spencer Roberts) videotapes a series of strange lights hanging over Phoenix, AZ.  Thousands witnessed the event and eventually the military admitted they were flares dropped from aircraft.  Intrigued, Josh teams up with Ashley (Chelsea Lopez) to create a documentary about the sighting.  After a second sighting, Josh plots out the most likely place for the next appearance and convinces his friend Mark to transport the three of them there in his Jeep.  The three teens then vanish without a trace.  The Jeep is found by the side of a road in perfect working order.  Authorities spend weeks searching for them with no luck.  Twenty years later, Josh's now grown up sister Sophie (Florence Hartigan) returns to Phoenix to create her own documentary about the case.  She interviews family and authorities and reviews the tapes found in the Jeep, the last of which shows the three teens driving into the desert, all perfectly fine and excited about what they may discover.  The video camera was also found in the Jeep.  Sophie learns nothing new and authorities remain baffled.  On a hunch, Sophie stops at Josh's old high school and asks if he had checked out a second camera.  The lady explains it was 20 years ago and no records are available.  Months later, the same lady contacts Sophie.  A very battered video camera was found.  The second camera.  And there was a tape still inside.  Sophie (and we) finally get to learn the truth of their disappearance.  And?  And?  Well...it's pretty much what you'd expect.  When Sophie shows it to the Air Force, she's told to not make it public.  Does she?  Who knows?  We're left hanging.  We do, at least, find out what happened.  I'll tell you, so here's your spoiler warning.  The three hike to the top of a ridge, get a UFO in the distance on tape, high fives all around, hike back down in the dark, get lost, discover some bizarre petroglyphs (they look like big white hand prints), and then get buzzed by a low-flying, super bright and incredibly loud UFO.  Lots of sound and fury.  Flashing lights, what seems to be lightning, rocks and dirt suddenly pulled into the air as if gravity suddenly shut off, and crazy high winds.  Afterwards, Mark goes pale, his nose starts bleeding, and he begins to act strange.  They find the Jeep and head home.  The UFO comes at them from behind.  The truck dies so they push it to the side of the highway and begin walking the 10 or so miles to civilization.  Mark becomes erratic and leads them into the desert...where the UFO once again does its shock and awe routine.  This time, Mark is simply gone.  Freaked, Josh and Ashley push on.  They spot what appears to be a yard light or a light in a window and head for it.  Ashley then becomes pale and her nose begins bleeding.  The UFO returns and this time, amid the chaos, Josh tapes Ashley...as she is yanked off the ground by an unseen force and pulled straight up.  Josh freaks, bolts for an abandoned trailer home and locks himself inside.  Doesn't really matter because we next witness the force pull apart the trailer in a most spectacular fashion.  Josh drops the camera and we watch him also be yanked and pulled straight up into the hovering lights.  Right before the tape ends, we see that the camera is falling from a considerable height and then it slams into the ground.  Movie over.

Does the end part sound familiar?  It should.  It's exactly what happened in the 2014 movie Alien Abduction, another found footage flick about the real Brown Mountain Lights in North Carolina and in my opinion, a much better film.  Phoenix Forgotten goes above and beyond to make us think the disappearance of these kids did in fact take place.  The attention to detail, the interviews, the stock footage, and the footage they had to create was practically perfect.  One problem; doing so made the movie slow and more than a little boring.  This in turn prevented the build up of the requisite suspense so when the fate of the teens is revealed, it's almost anti-climatic.  It's too bad, really, given the story's potential.

The Skinny

Acting:  The performances are just right, but what impressed me the most were the "interviews" with the authorities.  The actors playing the cops deserve awards.
Story:  Bordering on plagiarism, I feel.  I guess imitation is highest form of flattery.
Direction:  Intertwining adult Sophie's mockumentary with the 20 year-old footage from her brother's camera was handled well enough.  Just wish it didn't feel like I was watching a show from the History Channel or an episode of Forensic Files.
Production Values:  I'm astounded by the quality of the found footage and of Sophie's mockumentary.   (Yes, that's sarcasm.)  Amazing how Josh's camera continued to function when Mark's Jeep died.  Anyway, the budget was $2.8 million so there was no reason for it to look crappy.
Gore/FX:  A couple of bloody noses and that's about it.  The UFO effects were actually kind of groovy.
Scares:  Not so's you'd notice.
Ending:  Predictable and uninspired.
Verdict:  Should you see Phoenix Forgotten?  Nope.  Go watch Alien Abduction instead.  Or give The Blair Witch Project and another look.  Why Ridley?  Why?

Rating:  1 out of 5

Horror Film Review

Zombie Fight Club (2014):  Zombie flick from Taiwan!  Bizarre, over-the-top, weird-ass zombie flick from Taiwan, to be exact.  I went into this one with only one expectation...there would be a zombie fight club.  To be fair, this expectation was met.  You're correct in thinking there is a ginormous "but."

First of all, there are too damn many characters associated with too damn many subplots so I'll eschew the usual actor naming and stick to the main story.  A bad batch of drugs finds its way into a seedy apartment building complex in what I'm assuming is Hong Kong.  A police SWAT-like team raids the apartment of a known drug dealer, not to bust them but to steal their massive pile of cash.  The only good cop in the bunch, Andy, discovers this just as hordes of zombies attack.  He bolts from the bad cops and fights through dozens of the undead cannibals in a very entertaining way.  In another apartment, Jenny is oblivious to the plight of her drug-using boyfriend and his partying friends because she's wearing headphones (sigh).  She eventually figures it out and runs like hell.  Running for their lives, the bad cops burst in on a college professor having a celebration with some of his female students.  I won't lie.  This scene is nine kinds of fucked up.  The bad cops tie up the prof and decide to rape the women.  The women eventually fight back but then the professor goes nuts and kills the remaining students the bad cops didn't kill.  Why?  Excellent question.

Andy and Jenny meet up and Andy decides to become her protector.  They escape the building with the assistance of a elderly dude who fights zombies to the death wearing exo-skeleton legs like the ones Ripely wore in Aliens.  I'm not making this up.  Flash forward many months and the professor is now an underground warlord with much wealth and many slaves.  He bets provisions with other warlords on whether his slaves can survive a specific amount of time fighting zombies (think if George A. Romero remade Thunderdome).  Andy and Jenny are slaves but in the end, the professor is undone by one of his students who he made into a zombie pet of sorts, so they escape.  However, the escape comes at a price.

This movie reminded me of The Horde (a superior zombie flick from France) in that it's dark and gritty and isn't afraid to show the worst side of human nature.  On the downside, it's dark and gritty and shows the worst side of human nature.  The characters alternately speaking Chinese and English is odd and seems a bit silly.  Most odd of all, though, is that the "fight club" part is very short and at the end of the film.  You don't suppose the filmmakers put Fight Club in the title to capitalize on the popularity of the American movie?  Nah.

The Skinny

Acting:  The exact opposite of subtle.  Ham and cheese all the way.
Story:  In conflict with itself resulting in an unsatisfying and unbelievable plot.  Also...to damn many characters and subplots.  I may have mentioned this.
Direction:  Might have worked if the myriad of characters and subplots could have been interwoven and made vital to the main plot.  As it is, you end up saying, "WTF is going on?" a lot.
Production Values:  I did like the overall look of the picture.  Grainy and dark with muted colors and scattershot camera work.  No idea what the budget was but I don't think it was too cheap.
Gore/FX:  Indeed.  Lots and lots.  Mostly CGI but plenty of the real (fake) stuff to satisfy a horror nerd's needs.
Scares:  No jump scares.  Plenty of other instances of awfulness, though.
Ending:  A little too Train to Busan for me.  Hardly unique and kind of maddening.
Verdict:  Should you see Zombie Fight Club?  Sure.  Why not?  If you ignore much of the plot silliness, you're treated to decent action and gore.  Zombie fans should eat it up.  So to speak.

Rating:  3 out of 5

Horror Film Review

The Gallows (2015):  Another found-footage horror flick in the same vein as Paranormal Activity or The Blair Witch Project.  I wish someone would shout from the rooftops that the novelty of this style of movie-making has worn off.  It was scary and groovy for a while but is now time for it to go away.

In this case, the camera is run by high school football player and all-around douchebag Ryan (Ryan Shoos) who badgers his friend and fellow jock Reese (Reese Mishler) incessantly for joining the school play.  The play was last put on 30 years previously when a student was accidentally hanged on stage during the performance.  Turns out Reese has the hots for the play's leading lady, Pfeifer (Pfiefer Brown) but after more grief dished out by Ryan, Reese decides to go along his friend's plan to get himself out of it.  The plan?  Sneak into the school at night and destroy the set.  Not exactly Operation Overlord, I know.  So Reese, Ryan, and Ryan's girlfriend Cassidy (Cassidy Gifford) sneak in...and run into Pfeifer.  Oops.  Plan aborted, they decide to leave only to discover no door leading outside will open.  Even the broken door that cannot lock.  At this point, as you may imagine, the ghost of the hanged student starts picking them off.  Eventually, Reese discovers that his father was supposed to play the lead 30 years ago and therefore should have been the one to die.  We also discover Pfeifer has a rather diabolical secret and isn't exactly sane.  I must be slipping because I didn't see the secret coming.  Don't worry.  This isn't The Sixth Sense so it's neither terribly clever nor very well implemented.

The Gallows spends entirely too much time with set up and not enough with delivery of the horror.  It relies on the found footage device to its overall detriment.  So there's a shadowy dude with a noose chasing them around the theater and school.  Yeah...and?  For me, all that means is that the deaths won't be bloody or original.

The Skinny

Acting:  I don't know if it was by design, but every character was annoying to varying degrees.  If by design, the performances were good.  If not (as I suspect), then the acting was unbelievably poopy.
Story:  Vengeful spirit in a high school.  Not the most unique idea, and not the best executed.
Direction:  Literally all over the place.  Some of the time you don't know who has the camera or if it's even footage from the camera or a smartphone.  Hard to build tension this way.
Production Values:  As usual, the found footage is amazingly clear with excellent sound and lighting.  Funny how that works.  I'm told the budget was just $100,000.  If true, I'm impressed.
Gore/FX:  No blood, no gore.  No bueno.
Scares:  Sort of.  In a couple of spots.  Nothing that will worry your dry cleaner.
Ending:  Ill conceived and unnecessary.  I just shook my head at the stupidity.
Verdict:  Should you see The Gallows?  Barring masochism and torture, I can't think of a reason why you'd want to.

Rating:  1 out of 5

Horror Film Review

Mimesis (2011):  I'm going to spoil this sucker right off the bat.  OK?  Ready?  There are no zombies in this movie.  Not a one.  So does that mean it's a bad movie?  Yes and no.  Mostly yes.

While attending a horror convention, friends Duane and Russel (Allen Maldonado and Taylor Piedmonte) get invited to an after party out in the countryside.  They wake up the next morning, Russell in a cemetery and Duane in a pickup truck, only to find they have different clothes on.  The outfits and locations seem oddly familiar.  Russell wakes up next to a woman, Karen (Jana Thompson) and you realize she's dressed as Barbara from Night of the Living Dead and Russell is dressed as her brother Johnny.  Duane, of course, is dressed as Ben (not so coincidentally, the first name of the actor who played Ben is Duane).  Anyway, a "zombie" appears in the cemetery and Russell is dispatched as Johnny was.  Karen and Duane end up in a farm house with five other people who were similarly drugged and clothed to play their parts.  Unless you're a moron, you'll have figured out by this time the "zombies" are just psycho thrill seekers taking haunted attractions to the next level.  Doesn't mean they're not dangerous.  Although it does take their victims way too long to figure out how to best take control of the situation and fight back, and fight back they do.  No one survives in Night of the Living Dead so I was somewhat surprised that 5 of the 7 survive in this film.  I'm not saying that's a good thing, mind you.

Besides the dearth of honest-to-God zombies, there are plenty of other problems with Mimesis.  The title, for starters.  I know I'm not the only one who said, "WTF is mimesis?"  Sid Haig explains it in his all too brief cameo, though.  And then there's what Duane does.  He brings Russell, whose throat has been ripped out, back to the farmhouse, spends a few minutes telling his friend he'll be just fine, runs around the house for a while for reasons passing understanding, seemingly forgets he's wearing a shirt and instead rips up a sheer window curtain to wrap around the gaping hole in Russell's throat, and then finally declares they need to get him to a hospital.  So Duane carries him outside where three "zombies" are waiting, sets him on the ground, and scurries back into the house where he watches the three chew on his screaming friend.  I get it that fear can make people do strange things, but come on.  There's plenty more stupidity to report but to write it all out here would give me carpal tunnel.

The Skinny

Acting:  Meh.  I thought Piedmonte as Russell was pretty good, but of course he dies right away.  Thompson as Karen is flat out annoying.  Maldonado as Duane seesaws back and forth between competent and awful.
Story:  I can't fault them for wanting to pay homage to Mr. George A. Romero and the original Night of the Living Dead.  I can fault them for their execution of it, though.
Direction:  Uneven and confused for the most part.
Production Values:  Made for half a million bucks, it's not a bad looking picture.  I'm pretty sure it was all done on location at that farm place.  I should mention the sound wasn't the greatest.
Gore/FX:  A fair amount of blood and some gore.  Although the stretching of the skin whilst eating someone is no longer shocking.  Looks kind of silly nowadays.
Scares:  Nada.
Ending:  Not what I expected.  It's almost, dare I say, happy.
Verdict:  Should you see Mimesis?  NOTLD fans might find it of interest.  I can't recommend it to anyone else, though.

Rating:  2 out of 5