Friday, April 30, 2010

The trouble with the Brits...

Jeremy Clarkson is the host of the British television show Top Gear and an opinionated newspaper columnist. I love the show and think he’s a hoot. But the man has a problem with Americans. According to him, all towns in the United States look exactly the same and that Americans are fat, stupid, and eat nothing but cheese. The occasional American car he reviews on his show he invariably hates, and he’ll go out of his way to make a crack regarding our war-mongering tendencies. Fair enough. I’ve never taken any of his comments seriously, however, but it did get me to thinking about the Brits. And what’s wrong with them.
What first springs to mind is the realization that Queen Victoria must have outlawed the practice of dentistry during her reign. I think perhaps this is why they have a funny accent. It’s from trying to talk around a mouthful of misshapen teeth. And then there are the words. They created the bloody language and yet insist on pronouncing “aluminum” as “al-u-min-ee-um” and “lieutenant” as “lef-ten-ant.” I must admit, though, I do like some of their Brit-speak. I find myself saying “rubbish” and “bollocks” quite often which garners me the expected blank stares of the obtuse, overweight Americans around me. But they say “lift” instead of “elevator” and “flat” instead of “apartment.” Lift I can understand, it’s childish, but makes a kindergarten kind of sense. But “flat?” Does that mean there are others in London or Surrey or Birmingham who live in “talls?” Now food…“chips” instead of “french fries,” “crisps” instead of “chips,” and “biscuits” instead of “cookies.” All that comes to mind is, what the hell? And they put vinegar on their “chips.” This fact alone should be enough of an indicator that the Brits are a bit off their noodle. What do they use ketchup for, feminine hygiene?
We have always been told that Great Britain is our closest ally. Huh. Are they aware of this? No, really. Every time you see a British citizen asked a question that involves America or Americans, their pasty faces hitch up a bit and they proceed to look down their noses. This, ultimately, is my point. We kicked them out of our country a couple hundred years ago; they came back a few decades later and burned our nation’s capital to the ground; we hauled them out of the trenches and saved Europe’s bacon in WWI; Winston Churchill begged us for help in WWII and we obliged, losing nearly 300,000 of our own why in God’s name would we want them as our closest ally? There’s nothing strategically important about their little island. They don’t have much military or economical clout anymore. They have nuclear weapons but so what? So does India and France and Israel. And probably Texas.
Sorry chaps, but the sun set on the British Empire a very long time ago. And I suspect there are a great many tons of sour grapes and millions of sun-deprived folks who have turned green with envy to be found throughout Ms. Windsor's kingdom. Among these millions is a fat bloke named Jeremy Clarkson.

No comments:

Post a Comment